So...

So here goes. I'm not a big blogger. But some friends of mine got me started on this, and my counselor told me it'd be good for me to start writing again. I don't really like writing on myspace so much since everyone can read it and stuff, since it's such a well known place. But here, not many of my friends know about it, and the few that do, have no idea that i have a blogger on here.. So it's all good.

Right now, I'm sitting in my living room, thinking about everything that's been going on while I watch my beautiful fiance angye sleeps, and nellie is on the phone. Let me start off by saying, I have the most amazing boyfriend, and fiance in the world. They both have done wonders for my life, and have worked so incredibly hard on making me happy. But my ex fiance is still deeply in love with me, and just refuses to move on, which makes things very difficult and stressful for my boyfriend Matt and I. Because my ex kissed me, and me still having feelings for him (which are now starting to go away) took over my sense of what is right and wrong, and I kissed him back. Numerous times. And I feel completely horrible about it, because Matt is an amazing person, and means everything to me. He's done so much for me and worked so hard on doing whatever it took to make me happy and keep me that way, he's changed for me, and would do anything for me. And it's hard to find someone of his age, who would do that. I mean he's the kind of person who you can sit down with and have an intellectual conversation with for hours on end about just anything and everything, you can confide in him. He is much more mature beyond his years, but then again, also knows when to act his age too. As most women out there know, it's hard to find someone who knows how to balance that, especially when they are only 18 and have the mindset of a 20 year old. But on the other hand, I feel bad for my ex (I shall keep him nameless, though any of my friends who read this will know who I'm talking about) as well because he really is a sweet, caring person. Just right now he's going through some depression issues and is very unbalanced mentally because of our breakup, so he's really not himself. Granted, he shouldn't of done it. But I shouldn't of kissed him back. All it did was give him false hope and pain and heartache. Here I was trying to help him move on, get over me, find someone else, or at least just be happy, and I ruined everything by getting too caught up in my emotions for him. He thinks its just Matt who is trying to keep me away from him... Well.. It's not. It's me too. I'm trying to stay away too so that I can get over him fully and focus all of my love on angye and Matt, and not hurt anyone anymore by the mishaps that just seem to keep on happening to me when I'm around him, such as the kiss. If I hadn't of made him leave when he did, it could have led to much more, and I feel like such a horrible girlfriend right now for even having to say that. Because now that it has been brought to my memory, my ex and I have kissed a lot... At the mall, at my apartment before we left for the mall, after he dropped me off at home that night, the next time i saw him here at the apartment, and when he took me home that night. Although, that last one wasn't entirely my fault. See, he asked for one last kiss, since I told him I couldn't do this anymore because I LOVE Matt and I wasn't going to sabotage what I have with him (as much as my ex has been pushing for me to break up with Matt for him, saying it won't last, that I haven't known him long enough to love him yet and stuff like that..) for anyone or anything because I really am truly happy. Well, when he asked that, I said no. And he got all depressed and stuff and when people I truly care about get depressed over something I did or didn't do, I usually cave and do whatever they wanted me to do. So I kissed him. As much as he said he didn't want me to I know he did. But whatever... It's over and done with. I've decided that I just can't be around my ex anymore, especially alone. The only time he is allowed at my apartment is to pick up his things, then he has to leave. Once all of his stuff is gone, he can't come back. I know it sounds harsh, but here lately, because of all of the stress of this, I have been having massive anxiety attacks to where my mind shuts down, sometimes I even get to the point to where I black out. Let me tell you something, when you black out from an anxiety attack, or at least when I do, I go to a very dark, scary place. I'm completely alone, and I feel trapped. It's like this inky, black... nothingness is surrounding me and trying to shove its way into my soul, my heart. It's so cold, like nothing means anything, there isn't any love or care there. It's a terrifying place in my eyes, and not a place I like to go to. And this didn't start happening until all of the stress and drama started over my ex and I kissing, and the tension, the arguing we've been doing, the things he's been saying about Matt.

On a lighter note, Matt and I are doing amazing. We couldn't be happier. I got my haircut last night, bleached and dyed. It looks amazing. I can't wait to see my Matt, I'm going to try to go see him soon, because even though I just saw him yesterday I miss him already, and if it weren't for my good friend Skitzo, I wouldn't be able to see him again for about another 2 weeks.

Also, Angye and I are doing well. Though she spends most of her time with her boyfriend, I can't say I don't do the same. We still love each other very much, and we are still together. I don't know if she's still moving in with me, or if she will be moving in with Reaper (her boyfriend)

That's all I have left to say for now. Maybe I'll post more in a few days if I feel the need. You all will hear an update eventually! Lots of love!